Nov 25 0 comments
lol

The Basis of All Combat

It’s late and you’re walking home alone after a night of tomfoolery and nonsense. The coldness of the air cuts your skin like a razor as you scurry along a dark path. A figure walks out from your front and suddenly the frost of the wind isn’t what’s chilling you to the bone. A gun, pointed at you, aims to cut you dead in your path. You don’t know what to do; running would be fruitless, and you are without a gun yourself, defenseless.  Each second feels like hours as the figure holding the gun makes their demands, wishing you knew how this would end. Are they going to shoot? Are they going to let me go? Why is this happening? These questions and more rush though your head like a torrent until the feared happens. In an instant, these thoughts, these actions or inactions, everything is meaningless. Bang.

You’re dead.

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This scenario happens all the time in these bleak times, but you should not feel defenseless. You  had the ultimate weapon the whole time: your intuition. Yes, you yourself can be your own hero, and bathe in the glory of a victorious battle. By following these five easy steps, anyone can fix this scenario and make it out alive and well, and stand over your opponent knowing that you are the victor.

1) Close the gap.

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The term Sharpshooter is used to describe people who can shoot with precise accuracy at  long-range. In the Olympic Games, shooting competitions measure the athletes’ ability to shoot targets from up to 50-300 meters away. The point of a projectile weapon is to hit targets are a far away distance. Had it not been for this, the use of a gun would not be necessary: we would use a more suitable weapon for close-range attacks, or so called melee weapons. A gun is not a close-range weapon.

So what is your assailant to think when their target is now directly in front of their face? Any training they’ve head in firearms have taught them to shoot at things far away, not close up. They will be confused, bewildered, unknowing what to do. The very weapon they bought to the fight is now meaningless and useless, and so are they. They can only do one thing: abandon using the gun and stare at your mean mug as you glare at them up close.

2) Grab the assailant.

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They are in a daze, mulling over possible actions and events now that their target has beguiled them by moving in close. You need to take advantage of this moment! You’ve already closed the gap between you and your assailant, now go to the extreme of this action and physically grab your assailant. As your hand grasps the one who wished to do you harm, they will snap out of their befuddlement, now aware that they are no longer the aggressor. The tables turn as you turn them around in your arms and grasp them tightly from behind, around the neck. They are no longer in control; you have, quite literally, seized control from them and are in full command of how this scenario plays out. No longer do you feel the quiet fear that once beheld your emotions, but instead feel the rush of power as you intimidate your once assailer with a squeeze.

3) Throw them to the ground.

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Well now you have your enemy in your arms, completely helpless. Don’t just sit there and talk to him! Take action! Think hard: you  need to hit them with something, but you need to be quick and it has to be something close. What do you hit them with? That’s right, the ground. Any advanced, scientific mind should know why: by taking advantage of gravity you can make it do the work it takes to fell this foe (quite literally!). A kick to the leg, and a hard throw down and your opponent is down. Their head connects with the ground and they are out. The battle is won. Or is it?

4) Get to the next screen.

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Your attacker is on the ground and you are standing above, a smirk on your face knowing that you bested someone with a gun with your own hands and gravity. So what now? Perhaps take a picture with your phone, or do your own personal victory dance? No! Get out of there! If you stand around, others could come to aid your former attacker, or he might even get up better prepared for hand-to-hand combat. But where to go? Obviously somewhere where they can’t follow you, but where is this? The answer to this is quite simply the next screen. The world is divided up into segments, called screens. Each screen is its own instance of the world and is different for each person. What does this mean? Well by crossing into another screen, they can’t follow you! You can march to one of these screens knowing full well that no one can follow you, and feel safe and calm immediately. To find the next screen, find anything that looks transitional, such as a door, an alley, a road, or stairs. Once you enter the next screen you are truly safe. Just don’t go back!

By understanding these fundamentals, you can master the art of self defense as a matter of common sense and elementary physics. Utilizing gap closures, gravity, and a deep knowledge of screens, you can safely defend yourself against any and all foes.

-(CE)Ian

Apr 17 1 comments
lol

The Hipster Threat

Hipsters are a threat to North American culture. Hipsters are everywhere: they’re in our schools, in our bars, in our parks, in our libraries, in our music, and maybe even our own homes. Their treacherous breed will destroy modern society as we know it unless we can stop it. But how can we protect ourselves from the hipsters if we are unsure of what they are? In this post, I will explain what hipsters look like so that we may identify them and deal with them as such.

This is a prime example of a hipster:


Notice her sunglasses. She’s wearing them underground. Why? She’s wearing them because no one wears sunglasses underground, or at least, no one should wear them underground. They’re also huge. Huge glasses are a a staple of hipster fashion, most of the time colorful. Also take note of plaid top. Why plaid? Is she an Al Borland fan? No. She wears it because no one wears plaid. She also wears a skirt despite already wearing pants, and then finishes her outfit with ugly boots. Note none of her clothes match.

Here are some more examples of hipsters:


Notice the glasses again, which contain the classic oversized look. His hair is utterly ridiculous, mustache horrendous, and his sweater is vomit-inducing.


This hipster clearly has no mirror in his house, as his hair is a joke. Hipsters embrace unkept hair, as they see it as another way to do what they think is breaking social barriers.
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Apr 09 0 comments
serious business

Citizens Cry Out For Oakland

As the city of Oakland honored the four slain police officers killed in March, citizens spoke out against the violence against black youth in their city.

During a city council meeting on March 31, Oakland residents expressed their grief toward the death of Lovelle Mixon, who killed Sgts. Mark Dunakin, Ervin Romans and Daniel Sakai, and Officer John Hege. They did so after the board unanimously voted to formally honor the slain police officers.

Citizens were adamant in pointing out that the deaths of these four officers and Mixon were part of a much larger issue.

Paulette Hogan, a Democratic candidate for mayor, said that she was angry about what she noted as the problem of black youth dying in Oakland. She called for more city programs to keep kids off the street, and said that the system had failed.

Other citizens were convinced that if some sort of change didn’t come to Oakland, more deaths would follow.

Kevin Thomas, however, stated that people need to stop blaming the system for their problems and be accountable for their actions. He condemned what he called the “excusatory rhetoric” he said has been used in the past to discuss these issues.

Some commentators were concerned over the issue of race in this matter, and were worried that this will escalate Oakland’s racial tensions, since Mixon was black and all of the officers killed were non-black. They said they had to come up with a solution to bring the community together.

These remarks follow a protest held on MacArthur Boulevard the previous Wednesday, where about 60 demonstrators marched against the police, asking for sympathy for Mixon.

The council presented members of the Oakland Police Department with eight condolence books that were filled by members of the community throughout the week, as well as letters to the families of the fallen officers.

Council members also spoke in memorial of the officers, and recognized the work of the current Oakland Police Department.

“I would take a bullet for any of you guys,” said Councilmember Laurence Reid. “No matter what.”

The Oakland police noted that this was a time for healing. They said that they must work together with the residents to come up with ideas to benefit the city as a whole. They called for a “shared vision of public safety.”

The four officers were killed on March 21 after what started out to be a routine traffic stop on MacArthur Boulevard. Mixon, 26, shot Dunakin and Hege, and then was seen fleeing the scene. Two hours later in a shoot out on 74th Avenue, he was reported to have killed Romans and Sakai before being felled himself by police.

A public funeral was held for the officers on March 27 at the Oracle Arena in Oakland, in which nearly 20,000 people attended to mourn their deaths. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sens. Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Boxer, and Attorney General Jerry Brown all spoke during the funeral. -30-