Category Archives: lol

The Inevitable EA Transaction

“Hey EA… I, uh… I bought Spore…”
“Yes?”
“And well… I want to install it again… but it’s been more than 3 times and I need your permission to do it.”
“Sigh… You really bought Spore?”
“Yeah, honest!”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Honest I did! I went to the store and everything!”
“What store?”
“Best Buy?”
“You sure..?”
“No wait… Uh… No I … Yeah, Best Buy.”
“I still don’t believe you.”
“Ah c’mon, I paid for this game.”
“You paid nothing.”
“No! I did! C’mon you guys!”
“Sigh… What color is the box?”
“It’s blue.”
“What color is the front monster on the left.”
“He’s green.”
“How many eyes?”
“Four?”
“You sure?”
“I… Yeah… No, two!”
“Two?”
“No, no! Four!”
“Hmm mm…”
“Can I install my game now?”
“No.”
“What do I have to do?!”
“…Beg.”
“Beg?”
“Like a dog.”
“No I won’t beg like a dog!”
“Then you don’t play Spore. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
“No, no wait… Okay… Please… please let me play… I… I really wanna play… please, please, please?”
“Bark.”
“What?”
“Bark like a dog.”
“Woof! Woof! Woof!!!”
“Haha, that’s precious…”
“Can I play now?”
“Yes, but remember this: You are our bitch.
“Tha… thank you…”

-(CE)Ian

Faux-Review: Braid

One day, Jonathan Blow was probably sitting in his barely furnished house sipping on chai tea and listening to Nick Drake, when he pondered “You know, these international big wig corporations have had it too good for too long. It’s about time some of that money was sent my way.” So he pushed the most recent edition of the Politiken off his lap, hopped out of his bean bag chair, and went online to see what was big these days. He obviously got the message that remakes of retro games, and even new games with the retro style applied were all the craze. “That’s how I’ll do it. I’ll rip off old games, put a guy with a tie on it, and make the big bucks!” he must have thought. And thus the Braid project had begun. He must have looked at some old Mario games, and mumbled “Yeah, this’ll do fine,” and got to work. Countless chai teas later, Braid was done.

But something was missing… something that would make it unique… Something that would set it apart from the countless other platformers made throughout the decades. All out of tea, he put a $15 price stamp on it and called it a day.

And this is the biggest flaw of the game. $15 is a fortune compared to the sultry $10 most games cost on XBLA, and I consider it an insult to gamers. Instead of thinking about what’s best for the consumer, he thought what was best for his wallet. By filling a game with pretentiousness and horrible artwork, he thought enough people would be fooled into thinking, “Well, there has to be SOMETHING here, or else it wouldn’t cost $15. Right?” Well Mr. Blow, your clever tactic worked. Critics are starting to put forth a nonexistent metaphor about how the gameplay element of time relates to the story. The only metaphor here is that time is money, and that money is being reversed right out of your bank account. Another thing they bring up is the use of the paintings, and how it conveys the story in an emotional way. The only story here is the story you’ll be telling your friends about the time you were conned out of $15.

Perhaps this is the direction the industry is going. Perhaps one day, we’ll sign on to our console’s online store for games, and instead of the sweet $9.99 or 800 points, we’ll see $14.99 and 1200 points in their place. Of course, we’ll have no choice but to concede, and weep as we look over our bank or credit statements at the end of the month. Independent game makers are taking advantage of the connotation that the word “independent” brings, and are using it to con us out of our money, and I for one will not stand for this. People seem to think that just because a company calls themselves independent, their products are automatically good, then rush to buy anything they put out. Braid is a prime example of this illogical reasoning.

Braid is a horrible game and should never be talked about in the positive light. The game is nothing but a clever marketing ploy to con us gamers into taking our hard earned $15 and flushing it down the toilet.

This gamer will be spending his money more wisely on the much better $10 games.

Braid isn’t even worth a numbered grade/10.

-(CE)Ian

Faux-Review: Soul Calibur IV

Once again, a sad display of how the video game industry is on its way out is put forth, and this time by Namco-Bandai. In this post-Halo world, I can’t see why any game developer would opt to produce a game sans space marines. That is like a movie producer saying “Actors? Who needs ‘em?” Sadly, the people at Namco-Bandai apparently didn’t get the message that the new millennium has passed, and technology has moved forward. Things such as swords and close-combat fighting have gone out the window, and have been replaced with more advanced ways of gameplay, such as shooting, and inclusion of deep dynamic characters such as Master Chief, not to mention space marines.

I was going to write a long, five paragraph description of how this game works, and how backwards and hurtful it is for the industry, but frankly, its not worth it, a shorter one will suffice. This game shouldn’t even be on the market. It is the reason why so many people complain that video games are for kids and terms like ‘man-child’ are created. It is because they are playing bad games like Soul Calibur IV and Bioshock. I just don’t understand… We see so many articles discussing how games should be considered an art, and not necessarily only for entertainment purposes, but all that gets tossed out the window when games like Soul Calibur IV are released. If people aren’t willing to include necessary things such as space marines, guns, and a first person view, then they shouldn’t even bother making games.

I give Soul Calibur IV a 1/10. No space marines means a bad game, it’s as simple as that. If they had only put in space marines, I would have easily looked passed the third person view, and exclusion of guns. Also, I might have actually considered to play it. But they didn’t, so I won’t be touching this at all.

-(CE)Ian