Category Archives: lol

Jul 18 0 comments
lol

Come console fanboys!

Rally in the streets! The final battle is at hand!

Sony fanboys on one side…
Microsoft fanboys on the other…

They will be equipped with the finest weaponry: game cases, DVDs, Blu-Rays, 360 or PS3 controllers, HD cables, hard drives, and the consoles themselves. Then when the sun is at high noon, the siren will blow and the two sides will meet for the final console war.

Broken disc shards flying through the air, piercing through people’s eyes… Consoles bludgeoning each other to death… Controllers being pounded into each other’s skulls…. Cables strangling each other to death…

Oh yes… Blood will be everywhere… as will broken eyeglasses.

And during this battle Kaz Hirai, Jack Trenton, Shane Kim and Don Mattrick will watch on a hill nearby, drinking coffee, talking about their family, maybe even the latest golf match they had. Then Satoru Iwata will walk in, shake their hands, and join in on the watching, laughing to himself.

That’s when a thunderous crash will come rushing in, as a nearby building falls to the ground. Those who have survived will stop their fighting and turn their attention to the new combatant….

THE REGGINATOR

He will shower everyone with bullets from a modded Wii Zapper peripheral, then come charging in, striking down everyone with an energy sword radiating from his WiiMote w/ WiiMotion Plus… All attempts to subdue this monstrous beast will be futile, for nothing can stop the charge of an enraged Reggie. There won’t be any survivors…

After the last fanboy has fallen, the Regginator turn and yell to the audience gathered upon that hill,

“GOD, I LOVE THAT THROTTLE.”

And Iwata will smile and nod, stand up, and bid his fellow business folk adieu.

-(CE)Ian

Jul 15 0 comments
lol

Sailor Mars is a Whore

A couple weeks ago, I decided to dive into the depths of nostalgia and relive my childhood by watching through all the episodes of the hit anime Sailor Moon. And who didn’t love Sailor Moon? We laughed at the troublesome antics of Usagi (Serena); we cherished the moment when Sailor Moon was revealed to be the Moon Princess; we were heartbroken when Rini became Wicked Lady. We were engrossed in its story, and there was no way out. And we all know us guys wanted to be Tuxedo Mask, as suave and debonair as he is. Just trying to throw a rose with the power and precision as he does proves to be a feat that only the most daring of all heroes can do (albeit, he doesn’t do much else). There were many Sailor Scouts, each with a different personality, power, and back-story, all contributing to the team we rooted on every day. Sailor Mercury would blind the foe with Mercury Bubbles, allowing Mars to weaken it with a blast from her Mars Fire, and Sailor Moon would finish her off with her Moon Tiara. Their tactics and powers changed from season to season, but one thing remained the same: they were as good as dog crap without Sailor Moon. The only Sailor Scouts who could defeat monsters without Sailor Moon were too good for the team, and spent most of their time talking about how awesome they were, before saving someone, checking the scene, then bailing out. The 4 main Sailor Scouts were worth diddlysquat without Sailor Moon, then again, she is the title heroine, so I guess she has to do something to give her the part… But if Highlander taught us anything, it’s that there can only be one. Or rather who was the best useless teammate? When I was in my youth, this question was easily answered: who was the most buff, badass, and (for the most part) masculine? And that would be Sailor Jupiter. Now long past puberty, the question is answered by this: Who is the sexiest? And most people would tell you Sailor Mars, with her long black hair, rough-along-the-edges attitude, and sleek, sexy high heel shoes. This is utter nonsense. It baffles my mind to think that anyone would say this. Sailor Mars is not the best Sailor Scout, and could never be the best Sailor Scout, for she is a whore.

Yes, Sailor Mars is a big whore. Ever since the beginning, she has been all over Darian… Dragging him around to festivals, forcing him to go the mall, asking him to do things for her, and making him be with her all the time. What a giant whore. You could tell she was only dating him for one thing, and that one thing was to show off. She needed to have a man by her side constantly to toy around, for that’s what whores do best. There was never any attraction for Sailor Mars by Darian in the first place. The moment she sees him aimlessly wandering around town, like the college student he is, she decides that he will be hers and nothing will stop her from getting him, despite knowing that her leader, Sailor Moon, might have a thing for him. Next thing we know, she’s all over him like ants on honey jar. She binds onto him with her whorish vice grip and refuses to let go. She’s his, and no one is going to take him away from her. Does Darian have any say in this? No, he’s quiet most of the time, probably since she has his manhood locked away in a jar for her to whorishly laugh at. And how long does this whore campaign last? Not very long at all, which is very whorish. The moment it’s revealed that Sailor Moon is his one true love from the past (yup), she dumps him like a sack of potatoes, and seeks out another man to whorishly tantalize with her looks.

And the sad sack that falls for this is Chad, who appears out of nowhere to help with the temple, and is slain by Sailor Mars’ whorality (it’s new, look it up). He tries for weeks and weeks to gain the whore’s attention, but she never budges, or responds. Being the whore she is, she loves to see his frustration and agony as he suffers the dreadful agony of a broken heart, and the pain of gruesome temple maintenance. Next thing he knows, monsters show up to attack Sailor Mars, and he’s sacrificing his own life to save the life of a whore, which proves to be impossible, as whores have no lives to save. Who saves the day? Sailor Moon of course. Does Sailor Mars, the whore, recognize Chad’s heroic defeat? No. She may have smiled at him, but as for returning any true love or affection, she couldn’t care less. She goes back to her whorish nature of torturing the poor boy with her looks and dangerous attitude. But for him it’s too late, he’s already caught in this whore’s web of sick, twisted perversion, and there’s no way out.

To say that Sailor Mars is the best Sailor Scout is daft. She’s a complete and utter whore, who doesn’t deserve to be a Sailor Scout at all, as all she does is feast men’s souls, and bully the other girls. I’m surprised she’s still even around to call herself a Sailor Scout. If it were up to me, I’d of killed her off and sent her to hell; a hell where the men have no manhood to leech onto and could not act out on her whorish impulses.

As for the best Sailor Scout, that’s easy.
Sailor Venus.
And if you disagree, you’re wrong.

-(CE)Ian

Jun 05 1 comments
lol

Sorry.

I love how Canadian women say “sorry.” I find it so different, so provoking, that it’s sexy. So, so sexy.

Now I suppose that Canadian men say it the same way, but whatever. Who cares? Not me.

Example you say? Well since you asked.

Around the 20 second mark.

It simply is amazing. I cannot even begin to explain how sexy this pronunciation of the word “sorry” is. Okay I lied, I can, and here it is. Whenever I hear the word sorry, and it is done with that certain tone, that certain ring and feel that only a Canadian woman could produce, my heart flutters, my breath shortens, and my mind is afloat with bliss. Not to mention it makes me write long sentences. To say that it is just how they say it up in Canada would be a gross underestimate of how wonderful and pleasing that sound is. Truly only those gifted enough are able to pronounce it such, while us unworthy cretins are cursed forever to pronounce it with simple tongue. Canadian woman are truly the fruit of the earth, the gift of nature, the blessing from the gods!

How can a simple word such as “sorry” provoke so much attraction and fondness for the person who said it? As mind boggling as it is, consider this: When a woman speaks to a man, or man to a woman, over the phone in one of those “phone sex” chat lines, are those not just words spoken from one human being to another? Of course, but you say, the sounds aren’t what provokes the sexuality of the phone call, it is the meaning behind the words. And to this I say, yes. You are correct. The person could be yelling in gibberish and still provide the same sexual feeling as if they were saying explicit things. And this I find shallow, uninteresting, and cliche. I want more than just meaning behind words. I want the word itself. No! I want the way the word was pronounced! Is this asking too much? Is it being daft and irrational? Of course not. Why, I believe it to surpass this form of communication entirely! Meaning behind words are on a lower plane of communication than the pronunciation of the word itself! And for a nation to have this ability to render sexual thought and feeling using this… it is just phenomenal.

So Canada! I salute you, your women, and your dialect. I hope that one day the world recognizes your supreme dialect, and we all advance communication and language to match your skilled technique.

-(CE)Ian